Thanksgiving Thursday: Unexpected Christmas Present

This is a thanksgiving post which has been delayed for sometime. Anyway, I still want to share this surprise news to everybody.

It's been my dream to publish book, but ever since I started on my writing journey, I realized I have a lot to learn before doing that. However, several months ago our church launched a project of poems and pictures book. As a part of mercy ministry, the book is to encourage people in their walk of faith as they facing struggles in life.

At first, I was hesitated to send my poems. First of all, as you all who read this blog know, it had been a long time since I write a new poem. So yeah, I only have my old 5 poems (which fortunate enough to be recorded here in the blog, otherwise I don't have poems at all). So I don't know whether a pre-published poems (even though only in my personal blog) can be selected. Second, of course, English is not my native language. So in a way, the poems are more of the expression of lessons I learnt and emotions I shed instead of the correct grammatical presentations. But after some moments of hesitation, I decided to sent all of them anyway, thinking that who knows out of 5 perhaps one or two can make the cut. And even if all of them don't make it, at least I tried :)

Then come the good news, all of my 5 poems are admitted :) God is gracious. I have been wanting to share this good news with you, but I think once I got the book it will be more fun:D The church decided to launch the book on Christmas day, as a Christmas present to all. Sadly, on that day I was not feeling well, so I haven't even got my copy until now! (I hope this Sunday I can get it :D). But thanks to my dear friend (www.christinetjia.com), I got the pic of the cover even before I get a hold on the book itself.

The book is now sold at the price just to cover the production cost, for the main purpose of the book is to bless people. The book consists of collection of wonderful pictures and inspiring poems, contributed by some of the member of the church.

I am grateful to God that He gave me the opportunity to be involved in this wordsmith ministry. He gave me an unexpected Christmas present. Ever since I fall sick, I realized my dream of writing might be as well tucked away. I have struggle only with basic living activities, and writing certainly drains a lot of energy. But He is gracious. He opened opportunities for me that I never experienced before, and I do not even plan or search for it. He surely make my motto of writing comes true for me. And I hope, it comes true for you in this holiday season.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year :)

Thank You Lord for this unexpected gift...which remind me of your greatest gift, which come unexpectedly. Thank You for everything:)

P.S.: If you also have wonderful thanksgiving experience, why don't you drop by http://thanksgiving-thursday.blogspot.com to post your story. Or just to drop by to read other thanksgiving stories this season. Soli Deo Gloria!

Sun ray on my wall

I wake up this morning (as usual, on wee hours) and was given grace by God to do something I've been wanting to do. Even though it's a step of faith, and I prayed that God would help me from making mistake, I feel it's a wonderful baby step I take. However, today I noticed something which I never been aware before.

As I finished my typing, and when I look up, suddenly I caught a burning sign on my wall. Apparently it's one ray of sun, somehow it appeared for a moment (and I could grab my cell phone to capture it). Just a moment after I took the picture, it's gone. Now my whole room is full of morning sun light, defeating the lamp light with its sunny yellow tone.

Somehow this small gesture of nature sign was a good reminder for me. There were so many times when I feel like facing the wall (thick, high, and impenetrable), especially with my weaknesses now. But witnessing the way God creates the morning has really make my day. He can shine a piece of sun ray on my wall, and even though it's just for a moment, it's a sign of greater light to come.

I hope I always remember the sun ray on my wall...so that my focus is not on the wall (no matter how thick or high or impenetrable it is), but on the sun ray, for it's a sign of greater light to come.

Thank you Lord Jesus...what a beautiful reminder of Your ever present help in time of needs. Help me to remember the sun ray on my wall, is a sign of Your greater light to come. Amen.

Thanksgiving Thursday: Things You Never Gave Me

I've been wanting to join the blogging chain of Thanksgiving posting every Thursday held by http://hanshinta1.blogspot.com/. But yeah, never got a chance (energy more precisely) to do it. But today, despite my weakness, as I read her blog, I got reminded of the long time post (in my mind) which I've been waiting to write. (well, it still postponed another week, I just need the extra strength to finish this post:P)

So many times we give thanks to God for the things He gave us. Yes, I am grateful for everything He has given to me. But we often forget to thank Him for the things He never gave us. There are many incidents, when I looked back, I am grateful that He never gave me the things I wanted or desired at that time. It's been a tough journey, and all I can say when disappointment and sadness happen is only the word : "Why?" However, knowing Him and learning His lessons all these times has taught me that nothing happened without His knowing or purpose. And for every big calamities He allows to cross my path of life, He has good purposes in His mind. It might not be of my personal interest though, but it certainly for good. And just some time ago I found a beautiful song by David Meece which lyrics speak exactly what I have (over and over again) in my heart. (I attached this beautiful song for you at the end of this post).

So yeah, I would like to remind myself things He never gave me (since it's quite long, I would like to mention couple things which I am reminded over and over again to be grateful:D).

Lord, thank You for not let me born in a Christian family.

I used to envy those who do, thinking that they have a smoother sailing Christian life.

Not to mention the privilege to know you early.

No struggle just to go to worship service every week, to be involved in ministry

Nor the decision to be baptized

But now looking back, I am so grateful that you put me in my family

Though I am not born into a Christian family

I still got a chance to attend children church

And all those years when I struggle in my faith

All those tears of heart ache and discouragement

Can only be sweet milestones to show who You are

I thank You for this thing You never gave me

Yet You are not giving up on me

I can't imagine my faith journey without this very thing You never gave me

Lord, thank You for not giving me the scholarship for graduate studies

It's been a desire for me too continue my study last time

After all the long process of exams and applications

I ended up with an offer but without the scholarship

I had to make tough decision

Should I take the offer and apply for study loan

Or should I let go the offer and start all over again

I looked into Your word and consult Your wisdom

Despite the heartache of long process I bear

Despite good supports from my friends who's willing to sponsor me

Despite my long time desire to learn

I said no and move on, because Your word say so

Today I am so grateful that I didn't take the loan route

Everyday I give thanks to You that Your word protected me

And up until today, I have learnt so many things I wanted to learn before

Had I taken the post grad study, I might not learn what I've learnt today

I can't imagine my learning path without this very thing You never gave me

I still have my lists of things He never gave me...some are major, some are minor. All are the things I am so grateful for. Hopefully one day I can share again on this Thanksgiving post. But for now (two is enough and way too long already I think), let's sing and give thanks to Him for the things He never gave us:D

P.S: Kindly visit other bloggers who published their Thanksgiving Thursday posts here:

http://hanshinta1.blogspot.com/2011/10/thanksgiving-thursday-list-week-6-27.html#disqus_thread

I Will Not Be Shaken

Found this wonderful song by Jadon Lavik.

Let's sing along:)

My soul finds rest in You

My fortress and my rock.

My hope for life, my hiding place.

My refuge and my God.

In You I've found my home.

My shelter from the storm.

And I'll pour out my heart to You.

And lean upon your throne.

Chorus:

I will put my trust in You.

I will put my hope there, too.

I will stand upon Your word.

And I will not be shaken.

I will let my praises show.

Holding on to what I know.

Because I know You're always there.

And I will not be shaken, I will not be shaken.

Bridge:

I will not be moved.

I'm leaning on the throne.

Because You died for me and called me to Your own.

And even when the strongest winds begin to blow. I will stand my ground.

I will not be moved. I will not be shaken.

The best wine

Today I happened to chat with one of my old college mate and somehow in response to his question I shared with him one of the lessons God taught me sometimes ago. I have been wanting to share the lessons with you as well, but as usual the energy took control. But I think today, after having a nice lunch, I want to gather my remaining energy to write down this wonderful lesson which I've just shared. Hope this lesson can help you in your journey with the Lord :)

"I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser." ~ John 15:1

Thus the beginning of the passage regarding Jesus as the True Vine. So many times we read about this passage and meditate about the role of Jesus as the True Vine and we as His branches. Well, today, I would like to take our focus to Our Heavenly Father. But this post won't focus on Father's work on pruning the branches so that we may bear more fruit. But it's more down to the Father's aim as a vine dresser and our circumstances.

I learnt this lesson when I was watching a TV series (yupe, God can even speak to you when you are watching :D). In one of the scene, a wine expert explained that in order to create the best wine, the top tier grapes needed to be planted in such a harsh condition. Conditions such as sand, gravels, and small rocks environment, under an intense sunlight. Under such dry condition, the grape will work harder to maintain the moist, thus create an intense taste for the grape. On the other hand, if the condition is too good for the grape, it would be focusing on the leaves and stems, rather on the fruit. So good condition may not bring a good fruit at all. In short, the worst soil yields the best wine.

Now we know that Jesus is the True Vine, the best vine ever. And Our Heavenly Father is the vine dresser, who aim for the fruit. And He is not only interested in the quantity of the fruits produced, but the quality as well.

And that bring us to the first lesson today. Ever found yourself in a "harsh & dry condition"? Wondering how it will ever help you in growing? You see, a vine dresser not only has a good intention, He has to be involved in cultivating the grapes so that it can bring good yield. Not only He knows the grapes well, He also knows the best condition to help the grapes produce its yield. And He wants the best wine after all. That's why He planted such best vine in such harsh condition.

Given such truth, let us remind ourselves that when we found ourselves planted in the dry environment, God's intention is always to bring the best in us. To produce the 'intense flavor' which only the best wine in the world can have. It's not comfortable, and certainly nobody wants to find themselves in such harsh condition. However, it's the only way to create the best wine. (besides the best vine of course:D)

On a personal note, currently I found myself in a situation which I don't want. Not only harsh and dry, I am also helpless. But knowing the growth is coming from the vine, all I need to do is to abide in Him. It's Jesus who bring forth the fruit, not us the branches. This truth bring us to the second lesson.

More often than not, we thought that abide in Jesus would bring us to better place. You know, when the skies are blue, the gate of heaven open and blessings pour down upon us. But from the lesson today I learnt that in order to produce the best wine, the vine dresser will plant the vine in the harsh condition. And when we, as His branches, stick to the Vine, we will somehow found ourselves in the same condition. Yeah, that same harsh and dry condition.

When we found ourselves in such condition, we can find enormous reasons that caused us to be in such position in the first place. Not to say those are not valid reasons. But even though those are all valid reasons, I still believe God who is in control will allow even worst thing to happen for a reason. So the second lesson taught me to never ever forget that once we are committed to follow Him, to abide in Him, the journey has to bring us to such condition. God is in control after all and He is indeed exercising His control. Sometimes it's not even the pruning act that He is doing. He simply put the vine in the 'best' condition to grow. For us, it's the worst condition, because all we could think of are our leaves and stems which are not growing a lot. But for Him, His aim is the best fruits.

Are you on your way to yield the best wine?

Father, my vine dresser, thank You for teaching me this lesson and reminded me again today. I know You are in control, even when the situation seemed out of control. Give me strength to abide in Jesus always. And help me to remember always that through this harsh condition, what You aim is to produce the best wine. Help me to yield to Your will, so my yield eventually would be what You want in the first place. In Jesus' mighty name I pray, Amen.

Prayer at the moment

Woohoo

Got the reply from the doc's office. They're OK. The appointment still going.

THANK YOU LORD:)

Lord, thank You so much for protecting them. I know Your hands are at work. Thank You once again. In Jesus' name. Amen :)

Of Twists and Turns

Today I come to realize something. I need to write this down so that it can be a reminder for myself of how God works in my life.

As I have been struggling with pain for the past one year, I still keeping up hope that somehow, sometime, I will be able to get rid of this pain. Thus my journey of finding the way out begin.

It started with frustration I would say. Been to so many doctors and can't find a clue. But when I finally found out, still the remedy is not easy.

After journeying from 'can't find a right doctor', till find no one willing to do the surgery, finally by God's grace, I am able to locate another doctor in another continent which I hope could do something. And it takes almost 1 year already.

And if you think how come it took so long, I would have to testify that I am very very blessed. Because I know lots of fellow sufferers spends 15, 20, even up to 30 years suffering without knowing the causes, and thus, sinking deep in pain without helps.

So yeah, I would say by the grace of God, I was still persevering, despite setbacks, and eventually, my hubby & I planned to visit this doctor. We planned for sometime already (as you know, visiting another country is not as easy as book and go).

However, things not turning up easy...first the transit town got hit by quake. We have to relocate our stay elsewhere.

And today comes the shocking news. The doctor's place, which I am scheduled to visit next week, was hit by tornado yesterday.

At first I confused, and somehow hoping that the doctor and his family will be alright. But I realize it could be another possible delay again. So far I have no idea, I am still waiting for the response from the doctor's office.

I still don't know how it will turns out. But one thing for sure, I will set my hope upon my God. Despite setbacks, twists, or turns, I believe there must be reasons for everything. Even when things don't go according our plan.

It could be miracle in the making. I am the living testimony of HIS great faithfulness.

Lord, I have no idea what Your plan is. But my heart is set on You, prepared my heart and body. Please protect the doctor's family, as well as the people there who got hit by the tornado. In Jesus' mighty name I pray, Amen.

Yay! I found it!

Ok, short posting here. After dabble for a while (months actually), one simple question that keep nagging me is that where does it comes from? (a.k.a. the source)

And today, while I am reading articles, voila! I found it ! (it just clicked in my head)

Good news: Found the source! Even more good news: it's the old old source of problem (nothing's new, it's been there all these time, how come I am not thinking to look at it in the first place?)

Ok, the best part: I'm more than determined as before to get rid of these! Now that I found the source...

Thank You Lord:D You know how to make me happy even with such tiny thing:)

Change

This morning I wake up with kinda good feeling...after awful pain last night.

So yeah, I am thinking of listing different things happened in my life now. Just for fun to see (since I am really unmotivated to do my journal entries).

1. Happiness is able to do small daily chore without giving myself pain and fatigue afterwards.

This one is rarely happened. My cycle of fatigue and pain come and go. There are good days, and not so good days. Good days unfortunately not as long as not so good days. But when it comes, I am so grateful. Living normally. But I have to remind myself not to work as normal LOL, so that I won't get myself into trouble afterwards. So today, after done some cooking and cleaning, I reminded myself to stop. Even though the list to do is still piling up. I learn to be grateful to God that at least, I can do some small things. That I would consider 'achievement' already :)

2. Thinking in terms of energy, and not time.

This is new habit. Kinda strange in the beginning. But now as my condition improved since I learn to pace myself, I really have to get into discipline to think, "Will I have energy to do that?" So yeah, not much left after the basics: eating, sleeping, bathing, cleaning. For those who may not realize, even resting and sleeping need energy. I have to make sure my battery not goes down way too low that I have no energy to recover. Strange but very important. This is my survival kit 101 :D.

3. Planning NOT to plan.

Ok, this is the hardest for me. I used to be a planner, and I love to finish thing within 'deadlines'. I always have to do list mentally (though I love to jot it down even more and then put a tick done after I finished it). In the beginning of my illness, I still tried to do it. But after failing miserably, I throw away my list and learn a new skill of living :) Living unplanned is new skill which is hard to master. Though of course, I still plan for my recovery. It just that is no longer down to day to day basis. I am happy if I can go through step by step in months basis. But I think I have to settle on yearly basis. For my own good, of course :)

4. Simple pleasures are things enjoyable which cost low energy and result in moderate fun.

Nothing extreme here. Trying even good extremes have thrown me back in fatigue circle more often. So yeah, moderate fun is what I am aiming now :D

I think maybe this is the only thing which is still part of my life. I enjoy reading (and yeah, my reading list has been changing a lot lately). Listening to songs (oldies is good for my memory exercise- not that I love to be reminded how old I am, but how I can still remember despite my short term memory trouble).

Other more energy consuming hobbies has to wait in line : singing (now and then, but not on the long run), writing (yeah, blogging included :P).

One thing which now I include in my fun thing to do: Sleeping. Why? (guess my fellow sufferers would know: - it's a luxury for us to be able to fall asleep, and even better, if we can wake up refreshed.) So yeah, for me, if I can fall asleep, no nightmares, and wake up refresh, it's one of the best thing in life now :)

Yeah, this is my prayer today, for those who suffered the same as me, I hope you have a wonderful sleep today. Happy sleeping friends:D May God take away your nightmares :)

Ok, talk about sleeping, now I need to go to take my nap:) So this blog post will be continued... see ya :)

Struggles

Hi my long 'abandoned' blog...

Well, actually I am not totally abandoning it...knowing that I've been thinking of doing major revamp, of the content and display...or simply quit.

If you've been following my previous post, you know now I have been battling major illness issue, which is very debilitating. I don't know how long I will be recover...or if I will ever recover.

However, being plunged into such journey does give me lots of meditation and lesson, and I am just wondering should I simply write a blog post or maybe expand it longer. When I have the energy, of course :)

SO many things I want to write...and so little energy to accommodate :) Means I have to learn to prioritize...

One of the things I've been thinking is to change to theme of this blog. All this time, I have written my meditation and spiritual lessons which I have learnt as a commemoration of God's love and work in my life.

No, I don't want to change that yet. I still think it should be written.

But on the other hand, I have other issues I would love to write about, especially now I have 'invisible' illness :P I think maybe the sharing of my journey with God can be a blessings for those who found themselves, like me, suddenly dumped into the journey of nightmares, with no warning before.

However, I don't want my posts to be an endless ranting or complaints. I guess this is just me. Yeah, it's painful and sometimes can be very frustrating, but I still think, God is good, even when my condition is not good. So yeah, there will be post on my bad situations, but certainly, I can't wait to share God's goodness in the midst of all of these.

Bear with me my friend, when I have another burst of energy, I will come back and write. I can't promise it will be regular, but yeah, I am not giving up yet (still by the grace of God).

Till we meet again...:)