Psalm 8:2

After being absent from blogging world, I am so glad today I can blog again :)

I just realized 2014 was the year where I completely did not post anything, which is no surprise because I was pregnant with my 2nd baby :D

And 2015 pass so quickly (can not believe that it's May already, which means almost half year gone).

Yes, my Smiley baby is no longer a baby now, she became a toddler, big sister to her baby sister, Calmy.

Being mother to Smiley toddler and Calmy baby is time consuming. Thats why I no longer able to blog, even if I want to.

To my surprise, today I can do it. And I want to grab this chance to write something happened several days ago when Calmy reached her 4 months milestones.

It was lunch hour, where as a family we usually sit down together to eat. Since Calmy is still nursing, we put her on her stroller and let her gather with us. My hubby ask the children to pray before eating, which is our habit. What happened next:

Daddy: Come let us pray, mei-mei*) also pray.

Smiley: No, mei-mei can not pray.

Daddy: Yes, she can. The bible says out of mouth of infants. 

Then I came out of kitchen and sit down, joining them. When we are about to fold our hands to pray suddenly Calmy baby fold her hands and babble loudly. 

What a surprise! As if she knew that her big sister doubted that she could pray, that she demonstrated it. Loud and clear. Even my hubby who asked the children to pray surprised.

That night, when we all gathered for our family devotion, suddenly Smiley took initiative to lead in prayer. We never asked her to do it before (usually it is either me or my husband who did it). Guess she saw her little baby sister did it and she would like to do it as well.

That day marked my children milestones. 4 months, is the first time Calmy baby said a prayer. Though we do not understand her baby language, God knows:) And Smiley toddler lead in prayer. This time, in a language we understand:) 

Praise the Lord!

*) mei-mei means younger sister in Chinese.

Lesson I learnt from my baby: Of being happy

She is happy when she wakes up, I know because she gives me that beautiful smile. So charming, every morning...without fail so far.

She smiles while she is nursing, and giggling at the end of the feeding. She is happy drinking milk only. (She is one happy customer of breast milk :D)

She smiles when she is asleep. Her lips curl up, forming a curve which I love to see. Eyes shut, yet you can feel twinkling eyes behind those lids.

Every little things which I have taken for granted, can make her laugh. An empty box. A plastic saucer. Paper. Tissue. Really, I hope she kept her wonderful taste as she grows up, so I need not to buy those sophisticated toys for her:P

Of course, life with little one does not consist of sunshine without rain. Everyday she cry. When she is hungry. Being left alone in her crib. Fall down. Knock her head. Feel cold. Teething. Too tired.

Yet being with her taught me about the secret of happiness.

I learnt that happiness is a default state, not something you achieve. That's how you got it from the start. You just be. Without any reason to be. You may become unhappy with things that happened, but you can always revert to the zero scale of unhappiness. 

You don't have to wait to be grown up to be happy. You don't have to follow 10 steps to be happy. You don't even have to busy yourself with happiness projects. It's not something you pursue and achieve. 

Now I have no idea why we as an adults come up with those things, and yet we seemed to be so lost on happiness. We found in our pursuit of happiness it becomes something that are so fleeting; the moment you think you got it, it slipped through your hands. And we set on our next endeavor, just to attain that fleeting moments. Talk about the never ending treadmill.

My prayer is that my baby will always have her happy disposition, regardless of what life throw at her. And me as her mom, learn the secret of happiness. Just be, no need to do. How liberating and comforting. It's a gift from God since we are born. Somehow along the way we lost that gift. The state of being happy, without any effort. I found that gift again. It doesn't mean that you never sad, nor in trouble. It doesn't mean your life is smooth cruising without problem. It doesn't even mean that you are always successful, never fail. It just mean that being happy is your default state. Despite whatever bad or sad that has happened, you always have that happiness inside you. Just be, without the needing to be.

I hope you find your birth gift today. I wonder now, is that why we sing Happy Birthday?

Introducing the new topic

First post of the year...on second month of the year...

First of all, happy to share that despite my busyness with moving preparation, taking care of little one, cooking, and household chores, I finally made it to bring Smileybaby to outside activities. Last week we went to our very first MOPS. Smileybaby is so happy (even though she is a happy baby, but I am just happy to see her laughter seeing so many toddlers running around and play; I can tell she was excited:D).

Yesterday we managed (though a bit late) to attend welcome class of the bible study fellowship. I am hoping we can get a place with mothers with infants group. But knowing so many people interested, with limited place, I had surrender to God in prayer. I asked that if God thinks I can really pull it through (by faith, with God's given strength) then let it be that I found a place there. But if not, then I know it means my energy will be needed elsewhere :D

And I can figure out that the energy will goes to...Smileybaby of course.

I have been pondering of homeschooling her. And glad that I am progressing in that direction.

I know I know. It's a scary jump of faith. On one hand, it's my precious daughter life (already I had serious opponents). On the other hand, this mother whose English is not even her native language, having energy level challenge, and yet still, want to do this thing in a foreign country where homeschooling is uncommon.

So I do my reading and research on this thing called homeschooling. I love the process. (I always love researching, esp issues that grab my attention.)

I read somewhere that homeschooler need to figure out why they homeschool. And I can come up with myriad reasons...but I think I need to figure out several that speaks to my heart mostly. And I feel in my journey, to blog it openly will help. Not only as a reflection to what I am doing with my little girl, but also a blessing for those who perhaps like me, thinking hard (and praying hard) yet unsure whether this is the direction to go.

For now, just pray I have that extra energy to do the writing part to share :)

Last post

for this year!

First of all, I would like to say Merry Christmas & Happy New Year.

Second, I would like to use this last post to express gratitude to my Lord...for this year has bring a lot of blessings in my life. As I look back this year, 2012 will be the year that stands out, due to:

1. Smileybaby :)
My firstborn, my beloved daughter. I never thought that despite my health condition, God still choose to give the miracle of birth to me. I remember the first time I was in the midst of my health struggle thinking of what I would like to have when I recover (if is the word used back then). I haven't fully recovered, but God choose to entrusted this little girl into my loving care. I am so grateful.

2. My hubby
I am grateful for our marriage. We've been through sickness and pain, joy and happiness as well. I realize being his wife is one of wonderful blessings in my life. Blessing that I've never expected. Glad that God lead our journey to be together.

3. Hope for new home
We got our key! We will be moving to our new place next year. After moving here and there, it's such a big relief we finally got the place of our own. I pray that this gift of shelter could a home of peace for all who enter in and out.

4. Improved Energy level
I am extremely grateful for this one. Though I have not fully recovered yet, the pregnancy and breastfeeding hormones somehow helps to improve my energy level. I think the only time it gotten worse is only during the third trimester and of course, after delivery. But apart from that, I am coping with this new motherhood. Which I have no idea but faith to do in the beginning. God is faithful. All our concerns and worries (whether I can be strong enough to take care of my baby) is being addressed by God. My energy level improved, so I can take care of my little one. She is growing well and healthy. Of course, my daily activities are not perfectly done, but I am glad the essentials are done. Remember my last idea about prioritizing my activities due to the limited energy level? Well, it serves me really well with motherhood. I will be sharing this point sometime in the future, again, when my energy level permits:)

5. Supply of milk
Glad that God still supply milk through me for my baby. I pray that I can continue breastfeeding till the time is up :) In the beginning the breastfeeding process is really tough. Pain, bleeding, you name it. But after hanging on for sometime, eventually my body get used to it. And that really brings change, especially now I can enjoy  Smileybaby even more. She loves to smile, every morning before drinking, and at the end of the feeds. Such a great motivation for mommy.

Well that's the short list for this year. What are your list of thanksgiving for this year?

Lord, thank You for this year, for Your presence, for Your blessings. In Jesus' name. Amen.:)

another baby steps

Dear Readers,

Sorry that it took me so long to write. I have been busy. God has been good to me. In the midst of my health issue struggle, He bestowed on me little one. Now I am busy with her. Suddenly my life activities and priorities change. My treatment I put on hold. Thank God the pregnancy and breastfeeding period somehow helps my body. I have improved energy level, though I still feel tired from time to time. But I am grateful for at least I can still care for the little one.

Above is her growing feet picture. Reminds me of baby steps...

I hope one of my baby steps now is to revamp this blog (again hahaha). My life has changed tremendously...so I am about to change this blog content. As my baby is growing, I think my blog need some growing also. Content wise. I will still post lessons I got in my daily walk with HIM and how He has spoken or act in my life. But I think it's time to add other topics as well...which I hope will bless you readers. I can't promise of regularity yet, but my prayer is still the same from the beginning of the birth of this blog: be blessed. I pray that this blog will bless and continue to bless anyone who happened to stop by.

For we serve the God who bless,

VD

My LBMP :D

I've been thinking of changing a bit of the content of this blog, or else open another blog (in another place). My beloved hubby will help me with new blog, but it still on development. So meanwhile I will post things here and see whether I need to split the thing or just drop everything in one blog.

As several days ago I come across my light bulb moment :P Hence, I called my new project my Light Bulb Moment Project.

This is my personal project, and I will see whether it can help me to cope with the trouble I facing thus far. I am grateful to the Lord as He has sustained me so far. The reason I am thinking to share, besides as the testimony of God's faithfulness in my life, is also as the encouragement for those who suffer (though maybe we may not suffer from the same thing). I hope you can learn from my experiments and mistakes, as I have learnt from others as well. Our condition can be different (as in the type or severity of the condition), but I always believe God stays the same. He is good, despite my physical condition. And I was reminded again and again how His grace and love protects me thus far. I would say it's the moment of joy in the pain. I can't take the pain away, but the good news is nobody can take the joy away as well.

First of all, the project is to do with 'menial' things. I know many people will not appreciate it, but for us, it's necessary for our survival.

So here it is, I am gathering ideas to simplify life and save energy. I am thinking of something like a budget/schedule, but instead of denominated in $$ or time, it will be denominated in energy.

After struggling for about 2 years, I come to realize that this is a long journey. Instead of getting angry, depressed, sad, or even self-pity, I might as well view this as another phase in my life. Being pregnant does help. It gives me a perspective of changing life. I did mourn for my lost, but now it's time to turn mourning into dancing. I don't care if I can only do the dancing in my heart and mind, as long as it is a dance before my God, I think He is pleased with it.

Though I still hoping for full recovery, I will make the most of my current state. I am grateful for a very supportive husband, who still love me and help me throughout this difficult situation. And of course, God, who keep on teaching me the essential things in the midst of this world. Stripped of the inessential and clinging on the essential is not an easy lesson to take. But if this is His curriculum, I am willing to take it. For eternity sake :D

So yeah, will see how many ideas I can really put to work, and how many ideas are just...well, ideas. Perhaps some of the ideas won't work for me, but somehow it will work for you.

The most important thing in this project is to keep the essential the essential. Priority needs to be taken care of. We may lose a lot of quantity of life, but we can always try not to give up on the quality. In the end, it's the quality that counts :)

Everything new.

Got a wind of some energy today (guess all my mom's cooking really contribute to this, besides resting for the past several days) and thinking to update my blog.

Surprised to find new display for blogger. I am a bit disappointed, 'cause I am looking for old view. But I guess I have to get use to the new...which bring me to the purpose of this post.

As I had promised (I know, it seemed ages ago, but it's only months actually :P), the good news is that currently I am pregnant! That's new. I never experience it before.

And given my frailty, for the first time in my life I am so glad I am a woman. Why? Well, I just past my second trimester, which people say it's a bliss. To tell the truth, in the beginning of my pregnancy, I felt a bit worse. All the toothache, fatigue, and pain came back with vengeance, not to mention additional trouble like vomiting and loss of appetite. I was housebound for the first trimester.

But then the things change and I get into second trimester. And this is the part where I am so grateful for being a woman. Cause I feel better:D I mean really better. Yes, I still feel the fatigue and have more muscle ache here and there (due to extra weight I am carrying I guess), but overall it is much much much better. Apparently I belong to the lucky group (one study said 30% of people like me do feel better during pregnancy, somehow, perhaps due to the hormones change). I guess it's a bit discriminating, cause for men who suffered the similar plague can never experience these moments.

I don't know what awaits for me for the third trimester, I do hope things get better or at least not getting worse. But who knows, I entrusted that fully to my God, who is gracious to me all this time.

What else? I think I become more accustomed to my NEW life lately. Not the pregnancy part (though that is included). I mean accepting my chronic fatigue and other conditions which come with it.

No, I haven't give up hope to get well one day. As a matter of fact, now that I  am pregnant, I am more determined to go for the treatment (which I had to postpone due to pregnancy). I still believe there is a lot of lessons await for me along this journey. But I came to accept the limitation of the illness. Every little things that I couldn't do, no matter how hard I work on my intention. I come across this wonderful 'light bulb moment' just the other day.
I don't know whether it's viable for me or not. But it sure give me comfort, knowing that even though it doesn't work, it has bring lighter and brighter perspective to my days:)

So, the conclusion of this post is that, let's welcome the new, even though we might not like it in the first place. After all, it's also one of God providence in our lives. Good or bad, we can't judge till the end. And I am still far from the end:)

Come Lift Up Your Sorrows

This will be my first post in this year. Took sometime for me to gather my strength, after a shocking wonderful news :D What is it? oh well, just wait, I will update later;-) Meanwhile, I would like to post one of my fave songs. The song especially speak to me lately:)

COME LIFT UP YOUR SORROWS

Michael Card

If you are wounded, if you are alone,
If you are angry, if your heart is cold as stone,
If you have fallen and if you are weak,
Come find the worth of God that only the suffering seek.

Come lift up your sorrows And offer your pain;
Come make a sacrifice Of all your shame;
There in your wilderness, He’s waiting for you
To worship Him with your wounds, For He’s wounded too.

He has not stuttered, and He has not lied
When He said, “Come unto me, you’re not disqualified”
When your heavy laden, you may want to depart,
But those who know sorrow are closest to His heart.

In this most Holy Place He’s made a sacred space
For those who will enter in and trust to cry out to Him;
You’ll find no curtain there, no reason left for fear;
There’s perfect freedom here to weep every unwept tear.

Thanksgiving Thursday: Unexpected Christmas Present

This is a thanksgiving post which has been delayed for sometime. Anyway, I still want to share this surprise news to everybody.

It's been my dream to publish book, but ever since I started on my writing journey, I realized I have a lot to learn before doing that. However, several months ago our church launched a project of poems and pictures book. As a part of mercy ministry, the book is to encourage people in their walk of faith as they facing struggles in life.

At first, I was hesitated to send my poems. First of all, as you all who read this blog know, it had been a long time since I write a new poem. So yeah, I only have my old 5 poems (which fortunate enough to be recorded here in the blog, otherwise I don't have poems at all). So I don't know whether a pre-published poems (even though only in my personal blog) can be selected. Second, of course, English is not my native language. So in a way, the poems are more of the expression of lessons I learnt and emotions I shed instead of the correct grammatical presentations. But after some moments of hesitation, I decided to sent all of them anyway, thinking that who knows out of 5 perhaps one or two can make the cut. And even if all of them don't make it, at least I tried :)

Then come the good news, all of my 5 poems are admitted :) God is gracious. I have been wanting to share this good news with you, but I think once I got the book it will be more fun:D The church decided to launch the book on Christmas day, as a Christmas present to all. Sadly, on that day I was not feeling well, so I haven't even got my copy until now! (I hope this Sunday I can get it :D). But thanks to my dear friend (www.christinetjia.com), I got the pic of the cover even before I get a hold on the book itself.

The book is now sold at the price just to cover the production cost, for the main purpose of the book is to bless people. The book consists of collection of wonderful pictures and inspiring poems, contributed by some of the member of the church.

I am grateful to God that He gave me the opportunity to be involved in this wordsmith ministry. He gave me an unexpected Christmas present. Ever since I fall sick, I realized my dream of writing might be as well tucked away. I have struggle only with basic living activities, and writing certainly drains a lot of energy. But He is gracious. He opened opportunities for me that I never experienced before, and I do not even plan or search for it. He surely make my motto of writing comes true for me. And I hope, it comes true for you in this holiday season.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year :)

Thank You Lord for this unexpected gift...which remind me of your greatest gift, which come unexpectedly. Thank You for everything:)

P.S.: If you also have wonderful thanksgiving experience, why don't you drop by http://thanksgiving-thursday.blogspot.com to post your story. Or just to drop by to read other thanksgiving stories this season. Soli Deo Gloria!

Sun ray on my wall

I wake up this morning (as usual, on wee hours) and was given grace by God to do something I've been wanting to do. Even though it's a step of faith, and I prayed that God would help me from making mistake, I feel it's a wonderful baby step I take. However, today I noticed something which I never been aware before.

As I finished my typing, and when I look up, suddenly I caught a burning sign on my wall. Apparently it's one ray of sun, somehow it appeared for a moment (and I could grab my cell phone to capture it). Just a moment after I took the picture, it's gone. Now my whole room is full of morning sun light, defeating the lamp light with its sunny yellow tone.

Somehow this small gesture of nature sign was a good reminder for me. There were so many times when I feel like facing the wall (thick, high, and impenetrable), especially with my weaknesses now. But witnessing the way God creates the morning has really make my day. He can shine a piece of sun ray on my wall, and even though it's just for a moment, it's a sign of greater light to come.

I hope I always remember the sun ray on my wall...so that my focus is not on the wall (no matter how thick or high or impenetrable it is), but on the sun ray, for it's a sign of greater light to come.

Thank you Lord Jesus...what a beautiful reminder of Your ever present help in time of needs. Help me to remember the sun ray on my wall, is a sign of Your greater light to come. Amen.

Thanksgiving Thursday: Things You Never Gave Me

I've been wanting to join the blogging chain of Thanksgiving posting every Thursday held by http://hanshinta1.blogspot.com/. But yeah, never got a chance (energy more precisely) to do it. But today, despite my weakness, as I read her blog, I got reminded of the long time post (in my mind) which I've been waiting to write. (well, it still postponed another week, I just need the extra strength to finish this post:P)

So many times we give thanks to God for the things He gave us. Yes, I am grateful for everything He has given to me. But we often forget to thank Him for the things He never gave us. There are many incidents, when I looked back, I am grateful that He never gave me the things I wanted or desired at that time. It's been a tough journey, and all I can say when disappointment and sadness happen is only the word : "Why?" However, knowing Him and learning His lessons all these times has taught me that nothing happened without His knowing or purpose. And for every big calamities He allows to cross my path of life, He has good purposes in His mind. It might not be of my personal interest though, but it certainly for good. And just some time ago I found a beautiful song by David Meece which lyrics speak exactly what I have (over and over again) in my heart. (I attached this beautiful song for you at the end of this post).

So yeah, I would like to remind myself things He never gave me (since it's quite long, I would like to mention couple things which I am reminded over and over again to be grateful:D).

Lord, thank You for not let me born in a Christian family.

I used to envy those who do, thinking that they have a smoother sailing Christian life.

Not to mention the privilege to know you early.

No struggle just to go to worship service every week, to be involved in ministry

Nor the decision to be baptized

But now looking back, I am so grateful that you put me in my family

Though I am not born into a Christian family

I still got a chance to attend children church

And all those years when I struggle in my faith

All those tears of heart ache and discouragement

Can only be sweet milestones to show who You are

I thank You for this thing You never gave me

Yet You are not giving up on me

I can't imagine my faith journey without this very thing You never gave me

Lord, thank You for not giving me the scholarship for graduate studies

It's been a desire for me too continue my study last time

After all the long process of exams and applications

I ended up with an offer but without the scholarship

I had to make tough decision

Should I take the offer and apply for study loan

Or should I let go the offer and start all over again

I looked into Your word and consult Your wisdom

Despite the heartache of long process I bear

Despite good supports from my friends who's willing to sponsor me

Despite my long time desire to learn

I said no and move on, because Your word say so

Today I am so grateful that I didn't take the loan route

Everyday I give thanks to You that Your word protected me

And up until today, I have learnt so many things I wanted to learn before

Had I taken the post grad study, I might not learn what I've learnt today

I can't imagine my learning path without this very thing You never gave me

I still have my lists of things He never gave me...some are major, some are minor. All are the things I am so grateful for. Hopefully one day I can share again on this Thanksgiving post. But for now (two is enough and way too long already I think), let's sing and give thanks to Him for the things He never gave us:D

P.S: Kindly visit other bloggers who published their Thanksgiving Thursday posts here:

http://hanshinta1.blogspot.com/2011/10/thanksgiving-thursday-list-week-6-27.html#disqus_thread

I Will Not Be Shaken

Found this wonderful song by Jadon Lavik.

Let's sing along:)

My soul finds rest in You

My fortress and my rock.

My hope for life, my hiding place.

My refuge and my God.

In You I've found my home.

My shelter from the storm.

And I'll pour out my heart to You.

And lean upon your throne.

Chorus:

I will put my trust in You.

I will put my hope there, too.

I will stand upon Your word.

And I will not be shaken.

I will let my praises show.

Holding on to what I know.

Because I know You're always there.

And I will not be shaken, I will not be shaken.

Bridge:

I will not be moved.

I'm leaning on the throne.

Because You died for me and called me to Your own.

And even when the strongest winds begin to blow. I will stand my ground.

I will not be moved. I will not be shaken.

The best wine

Today I happened to chat with one of my old college mate and somehow in response to his question I shared with him one of the lessons God taught me sometimes ago. I have been wanting to share the lessons with you as well, but as usual the energy took control. But I think today, after having a nice lunch, I want to gather my remaining energy to write down this wonderful lesson which I've just shared. Hope this lesson can help you in your journey with the Lord :)

"I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser." ~ John 15:1

Thus the beginning of the passage regarding Jesus as the True Vine. So many times we read about this passage and meditate about the role of Jesus as the True Vine and we as His branches. Well, today, I would like to take our focus to Our Heavenly Father. But this post won't focus on Father's work on pruning the branches so that we may bear more fruit. But it's more down to the Father's aim as a vine dresser and our circumstances.

I learnt this lesson when I was watching a TV series (yupe, God can even speak to you when you are watching :D). In one of the scene, a wine expert explained that in order to create the best wine, the top tier grapes needed to be planted in such a harsh condition. Conditions such as sand, gravels, and small rocks environment, under an intense sunlight. Under such dry condition, the grape will work harder to maintain the moist, thus create an intense taste for the grape. On the other hand, if the condition is too good for the grape, it would be focusing on the leaves and stems, rather on the fruit. So good condition may not bring a good fruit at all. In short, the worst soil yields the best wine.

Now we know that Jesus is the True Vine, the best vine ever. And Our Heavenly Father is the vine dresser, who aim for the fruit. And He is not only interested in the quantity of the fruits produced, but the quality as well.

And that bring us to the first lesson today. Ever found yourself in a "harsh & dry condition"? Wondering how it will ever help you in growing? You see, a vine dresser not only has a good intention, He has to be involved in cultivating the grapes so that it can bring good yield. Not only He knows the grapes well, He also knows the best condition to help the grapes produce its yield. And He wants the best wine after all. That's why He planted such best vine in such harsh condition.

Given such truth, let us remind ourselves that when we found ourselves planted in the dry environment, God's intention is always to bring the best in us. To produce the 'intense flavor' which only the best wine in the world can have. It's not comfortable, and certainly nobody wants to find themselves in such harsh condition. However, it's the only way to create the best wine. (besides the best vine of course:D)

On a personal note, currently I found myself in a situation which I don't want. Not only harsh and dry, I am also helpless. But knowing the growth is coming from the vine, all I need to do is to abide in Him. It's Jesus who bring forth the fruit, not us the branches. This truth bring us to the second lesson.

More often than not, we thought that abide in Jesus would bring us to better place. You know, when the skies are blue, the gate of heaven open and blessings pour down upon us. But from the lesson today I learnt that in order to produce the best wine, the vine dresser will plant the vine in the harsh condition. And when we, as His branches, stick to the Vine, we will somehow found ourselves in the same condition. Yeah, that same harsh and dry condition.

When we found ourselves in such condition, we can find enormous reasons that caused us to be in such position in the first place. Not to say those are not valid reasons. But even though those are all valid reasons, I still believe God who is in control will allow even worst thing to happen for a reason. So the second lesson taught me to never ever forget that once we are committed to follow Him, to abide in Him, the journey has to bring us to such condition. God is in control after all and He is indeed exercising His control. Sometimes it's not even the pruning act that He is doing. He simply put the vine in the 'best' condition to grow. For us, it's the worst condition, because all we could think of are our leaves and stems which are not growing a lot. But for Him, His aim is the best fruits.

Are you on your way to yield the best wine?

Father, my vine dresser, thank You for teaching me this lesson and reminded me again today. I know You are in control, even when the situation seemed out of control. Give me strength to abide in Jesus always. And help me to remember always that through this harsh condition, what You aim is to produce the best wine. Help me to yield to Your will, so my yield eventually would be what You want in the first place. In Jesus' mighty name I pray, Amen.

Prayer at the moment

Woohoo

Got the reply from the doc's office. They're OK. The appointment still going.

THANK YOU LORD:)

Lord, thank You so much for protecting them. I know Your hands are at work. Thank You once again. In Jesus' name. Amen :)

Of Twists and Turns

Today I come to realize something. I need to write this down so that it can be a reminder for myself of how God works in my life.

As I have been struggling with pain for the past one year, I still keeping up hope that somehow, sometime, I will be able to get rid of this pain. Thus my journey of finding the way out begin.

It started with frustration I would say. Been to so many doctors and can't find a clue. But when I finally found out, still the remedy is not easy.

After journeying from 'can't find a right doctor', till find no one willing to do the surgery, finally by God's grace, I am able to locate another doctor in another continent which I hope could do something. And it takes almost 1 year already.

And if you think how come it took so long, I would have to testify that I am very very blessed. Because I know lots of fellow sufferers spends 15, 20, even up to 30 years suffering without knowing the causes, and thus, sinking deep in pain without helps.

So yeah, I would say by the grace of God, I was still persevering, despite setbacks, and eventually, my hubby & I planned to visit this doctor. We planned for sometime already (as you know, visiting another country is not as easy as book and go).

However, things not turning up easy...first the transit town got hit by quake. We have to relocate our stay elsewhere.

And today comes the shocking news. The doctor's place, which I am scheduled to visit next week, was hit by tornado yesterday.

At first I confused, and somehow hoping that the doctor and his family will be alright. But I realize it could be another possible delay again. So far I have no idea, I am still waiting for the response from the doctor's office.

I still don't know how it will turns out. But one thing for sure, I will set my hope upon my God. Despite setbacks, twists, or turns, I believe there must be reasons for everything. Even when things don't go according our plan.

It could be miracle in the making. I am the living testimony of HIS great faithfulness.

Lord, I have no idea what Your plan is. But my heart is set on You, prepared my heart and body. Please protect the doctor's family, as well as the people there who got hit by the tornado. In Jesus' mighty name I pray, Amen.

Yay! I found it!

Ok, short posting here. After dabble for a while (months actually), one simple question that keep nagging me is that where does it comes from? (a.k.a. the source)

And today, while I am reading articles, voila! I found it ! (it just clicked in my head)

Good news: Found the source! Even more good news: it's the old old source of problem (nothing's new, it's been there all these time, how come I am not thinking to look at it in the first place?)

Ok, the best part: I'm more than determined as before to get rid of these! Now that I found the source...

Thank You Lord:D You know how to make me happy even with such tiny thing:)

Change

This morning I wake up with kinda good feeling...after awful pain last night.

So yeah, I am thinking of listing different things happened in my life now. Just for fun to see (since I am really unmotivated to do my journal entries).

1. Happiness is able to do small daily chore without giving myself pain and fatigue afterwards.

This one is rarely happened. My cycle of fatigue and pain come and go. There are good days, and not so good days. Good days unfortunately not as long as not so good days. But when it comes, I am so grateful. Living normally. But I have to remind myself not to work as normal LOL, so that I won't get myself into trouble afterwards. So today, after done some cooking and cleaning, I reminded myself to stop. Even though the list to do is still piling up. I learn to be grateful to God that at least, I can do some small things. That I would consider 'achievement' already :)

2. Thinking in terms of energy, and not time.

This is new habit. Kinda strange in the beginning. But now as my condition improved since I learn to pace myself, I really have to get into discipline to think, "Will I have energy to do that?" So yeah, not much left after the basics: eating, sleeping, bathing, cleaning. For those who may not realize, even resting and sleeping need energy. I have to make sure my battery not goes down way too low that I have no energy to recover. Strange but very important. This is my survival kit 101 :D.

3. Planning NOT to plan.

Ok, this is the hardest for me. I used to be a planner, and I love to finish thing within 'deadlines'. I always have to do list mentally (though I love to jot it down even more and then put a tick done after I finished it). In the beginning of my illness, I still tried to do it. But after failing miserably, I throw away my list and learn a new skill of living :) Living unplanned is new skill which is hard to master. Though of course, I still plan for my recovery. It just that is no longer down to day to day basis. I am happy if I can go through step by step in months basis. But I think I have to settle on yearly basis. For my own good, of course :)

4. Simple pleasures are things enjoyable which cost low energy and result in moderate fun.

Nothing extreme here. Trying even good extremes have thrown me back in fatigue circle more often. So yeah, moderate fun is what I am aiming now :D

I think maybe this is the only thing which is still part of my life. I enjoy reading (and yeah, my reading list has been changing a lot lately). Listening to songs (oldies is good for my memory exercise- not that I love to be reminded how old I am, but how I can still remember despite my short term memory trouble).

Other more energy consuming hobbies has to wait in line : singing (now and then, but not on the long run), writing (yeah, blogging included :P).

One thing which now I include in my fun thing to do: Sleeping. Why? (guess my fellow sufferers would know: - it's a luxury for us to be able to fall asleep, and even better, if we can wake up refreshed.) So yeah, for me, if I can fall asleep, no nightmares, and wake up refresh, it's one of the best thing in life now :)

Yeah, this is my prayer today, for those who suffered the same as me, I hope you have a wonderful sleep today. Happy sleeping friends:D May God take away your nightmares :)

Ok, talk about sleeping, now I need to go to take my nap:) So this blog post will be continued... see ya :)

Struggles

Hi my long 'abandoned' blog...

Well, actually I am not totally abandoning it...knowing that I've been thinking of doing major revamp, of the content and display...or simply quit.

If you've been following my previous post, you know now I have been battling major illness issue, which is very debilitating. I don't know how long I will be recover...or if I will ever recover.

However, being plunged into such journey does give me lots of meditation and lesson, and I am just wondering should I simply write a blog post or maybe expand it longer. When I have the energy, of course :)

SO many things I want to write...and so little energy to accommodate :) Means I have to learn to prioritize...

One of the things I've been thinking is to change to theme of this blog. All this time, I have written my meditation and spiritual lessons which I have learnt as a commemoration of God's love and work in my life.

No, I don't want to change that yet. I still think it should be written.

But on the other hand, I have other issues I would love to write about, especially now I have 'invisible' illness :P I think maybe the sharing of my journey with God can be a blessings for those who found themselves, like me, suddenly dumped into the journey of nightmares, with no warning before.

However, I don't want my posts to be an endless ranting or complaints. I guess this is just me. Yeah, it's painful and sometimes can be very frustrating, but I still think, God is good, even when my condition is not good. So yeah, there will be post on my bad situations, but certainly, I can't wait to share God's goodness in the midst of all of these.

Bear with me my friend, when I have another burst of energy, I will come back and write. I can't promise it will be regular, but yeah, I am not giving up yet (still by the grace of God).

Till we meet again...:)

On the weak side

This morning I got a beautiful song from my sis across the sea :)

Thanks sis for lifting my spirit up and reminding me of wonderful truth of the power of God and the love of Christ.

One of the lessons I learnt lately in my weak moments is that the love of God require no performance. Instead, His love gives strength to those who are weak.

Despite all the pain and struggles, I give thanks to God that through these weak moments, He teaches me of how deep His love and how great His power is. What a hope I have in Jesus!

Thank You Lord :)