FEAR

Lately, had been encounter several incidents which brought me to face...the very thing I tried to avoid...spelled F-E-A-R.

This is not the topic I like to talk about, nor write. But, guess I still have to face this particular matter and jot it down, to remind myself of the most important issue.

What I had experienced is somehow, God arranged for me to receive unexpected blessings, go to a beautiful place of leisure, located in another country, had a great weekend with my bosses and colleagues, and...faced one of my biggest fear...get myself really deep into the water.

Don't get me wrong, I like playing with water. Thought it took me about 5 years just to learn to swim (and my swimming ability is set to so very basic level till today--talked about my physical ability which is far from ideal :P), I do love to go swimming. But having flood for the past several months, which caused me to walk in water (yes, not yet walk on water :P) for 3 hours to reach a safer place has caused my heart somehow sink when it comes to water. Like one friend put it, just like a cat...

Yet, not long after that incident, I got the chance which I never thought I would, never prayed about it, never even dreamed about it. I was going to scuba diving! And I thought, God, You really got a HUGE sense of humour.

And so, slowly pacing myself, I set my heart to finish the basic course of scuba diving. And of course, just like my swimming lesson, I didn't pass the course, though I followed all the activity till the end. (just not finished the whole exercises :( )

Somehow, there are many lessons which I got through that experience. One of it is that fear is somehow can be detached from action, by the grace of God, of course. If people saw me, jumping into the water every time, somehow people would think that I was very courageous. NOT SO. Actually, I was terrifying inside. Particularly, the moment I had to step out from the boat, with all the heavy equipments attached to my body. I was hardly moved though. The instructor words explaining somehow that I wouldn't sink, and I would be helped, certainly didn't cast away my fear. (Yes, that's why it took the instructor to count 1,2, 3 not 3 times, but 5 till 7 times repeatedly just to get me to jump from the boat and it happened every time I had to get into the water-- thank you very much for your patience anyway.) And if you wonder, if I am afraid, why would I do it in the first place??

Well, hard to explain, yet there are certain principles I have in life. One is that I believe that whatever happen, God is orchestrating it to teach me and to mold me. Yet, having such principle did not make me a courageous person. Instead, there's a lot of fear inside me. Somehow, I know that God gonna deals with it. But, I never expect it would be that soon. No, certainly not that soon after the flood. Till it happened. And knowing God, I knew He gave me choices. I could run away, or I could face it. He knew my feelings, He respected it.Yet He loves me more to see me grow, free from unhealthy fear. Learning from my past experience, I have come to 2 conclusions :

1. If you face it now, God will grant you the grace to see you through, though you may not feel it at the moment. It will be given just in time or before that:)

2. If you avoid it now, means you're pending the lesson, which also means, there will be another time for you to take the lesson. In other words, you can run, but you can't skip. Running just prolong the time, not excusing you of particular lesson.

So, whenever I face challenges, I ask myself, want to do it now or later? Later sometimes means greater difficulties. Now sometimes means, the perfect kairos of God.

Thus, I got into the water, and for the first time in my life, despite of all my pain in regards to breathing (even bleeding inside though I didn't realize it till the very last day), I come to know the beauty of underwater world.

But as it is written: "Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, Nor have entered into the heart of man The things which God has prepared for those who love Him." (I Corinthians 2 :9-NKJV)

I mean, I have seen so many films picturing the underwater world. As beautiful as it may be shown, it didn't attract me to go on diving, at all. But having to see it live, swimming across thousands of fishes, with the beautiful colours and different shapes, does bring another awe to my heart.

And I come to the conclusion, the reason God bring me into 'difficult' situation, is not to torture me with fear. NOT AT ALL. He wanted to show me the beauty of His created nature. I have always enjoyed the beautiful scenery of His created nature, but only half of it. Till I dived, I only enjoyed the half part, the upper part of this beautiful earth. Then, I come to see the beauty of another half, the under part.

Two interesting things are, the first time I got myself into the deep water, I couldn't enjoy any of those beautiful views, because I was so busy breathing!!! I had to practice breathing using my mouth, inhale the oxygen from the regulator, exhale out through the regulator, and learn not to use my nose at all. There were several times I was panic when I couldn't breathe properly, or when the salty water get into my nose, and I was about to give up. Many thoughts were running into my mind, and I had to push to really stick to new style of breathing to survive. Then I realized, if it's not because of the grace of God, I wouldn't be there even in the first place, and so I learned to let go my fear and let God pour out His grace to keep me from sinking :P (yes, He equipped me with lots of great instructors:D) The second time I got into the water, I started to enjoy the beautiful view, and I almost forgot breathing, seeing the breathtaking view :P Thank God, I was reminded the most important principle in scuba diving: always remember to breathe, slowly and regularly. Never ever hold your breath. Then, come the third, and so on. I kept on going, despite of my fear and pain and bleeding, eager to see, what else God wanted for me to see. Of course, since now you're reading this blog, I returned safe and sound. :)

Certainly, it's not only the wonder of experiences I want to share here. I write this because, there are still another fears I have to face, and I need to remind myself of the lessons I learned so far, especially about characters of God. This brought me to another verse, which related to the first verse above:

For since the beginning of the world Men have not heard nor perceived by the ear, Nor has the eye seen any God besides You, Who acts for the one who waits for Him. (Isaiah 64:4-NKJV)

The first verse above from I Corinthians is very often quoted, and has become the favourite verse of many people. But the second verse from Isaiah, is actually the first time the wonder of never heard and seen ever recorded in the Word of God. Every true wonder that we can ever experience, which we never seen, never heard, never even entered into our hearts, will revealed the Wonderful God behind it. Yes, we have to come to Him with fear and trembling. Still, many times, we are hindered by another kind of fear. Fear of anything besides God. And as one woman of God put it, you can not fear God completely if you still have another fear in your life.

It doesn't mean that once you fear the Lord, all other feelings of fear will certainly vanish. From what I experience, the fear of the Lord does give you grace, to take the action despite all the fears you have inside. I have to learn to trust God, which is far greater than all of my fears, and fear Him more than anything else. That draw me to key of living no fear: Fear the Lord with all your heart. What a beauty of an irony! Only then, God can really free us from all of our fears, when we draw near to Him and wait for Him to acts on our behalf, carrying us across the deep jungle of our fears and bringing us to the open highland of true freedom. The question left now is : Will I choose to fear Him and trust Him? Or I choose to fear other thing and trust my own feelings?

In the midst of my fear, I look to You. I know You have a plan, which I hardly comprehend right now. I know the truth, and hunger for more, yet it doesn't free me from my fear. What I need right now is Your perfect love, which casts out all my fears, and brings me to one fear only, fear of You alone. In the name of Jesus, I pray. Amen.